Every parent wants their child to be successful. No wonder when choosing a school, parents often ask, “Where do your students go after graduation?” That used to be the formula for success: Send your child to a high-performance school, and you’ll get a high performer. Yet, long-term longitudinal cohort studies in which researchers have followed students for up to 50 years after graduation, indicate there is one important factor above all else that will determine your child’s success in life. Surprisingly, it is not their grades, not the school they attend, not whether they were D1 athletes. It all boils down to one personality trait: Conscientiousness. That’s right, the key to raising successful kids is to develop their conscientiousness.
Elite Schools Not Path To Success
In fact, Dr. Leonard Sax, pediatrician and child psychologist, goes one step further and explains that research shows that sending your children to high-performance, elite schools does not help your child become more successful down the road.
But it can’t hurt them, right? Wrong. In fact, Suniya Luthar, a researcher at Columbia University, published a seminal study in 1999, called “High Achieving Schools Connote Risks for Adolescents,” which showed the environment inside high-performance schools is so toxic, it creates a greater risk for substance abuse, depression, and anxiety. The source of the toxicity? An environment where students were constantly comparing themselves to one another.
You already know how the hallways in those schools sound. “Did you hear that Lucy got a perfect score on her ACT, and she is captain of her tennis team, and she spent all summer starting her own non-profit organization to help children who have lost limbs in war-torn countries obtain prosthetics?” The next question in the minds of the students and the parents is obvious: Why can’t you be more like Lucy?
“The Parable of the Rich Fool” by Rembrandt (1627)
No Pain, No Gain? Right?
But isn’t it good for children to be in that kind of environment? Doesn’t it force them to toughen up? Doesn’t it motivate kids to want to accomplish more with their own lives? Not according to the studies. Researchers actually tracked down high school students 11 years and then even 50 years after graduation. They found that the students who attended high-performance high schools were less accomplished educationally and occupationally compared to the students in the same household income who attended schools with average achievement profiles. In short, as Dr. Sax concludes, “When a child or teen’s sense of self-worth depends on the magnificence of their accomplishments, that kid becomes fragile.”
Conscientiousness is the Key To Success
No parent aims for fragility in their children. So how do we strengthen our kids and create their best chance for success in life? Dr. Sax, author of The Collapse of Parenting, explained his research over the last forty years, “Getting good marks at a high-achieving school does not predict health, wealth, or happiness long term; but conscientiousness predicts all three.” Raising successful kids means understanding this crucial connection.
“Young Thomas and His Mother” by Mary Cassatt (1893)
What is Conscientiousness?
According to Wikipedia, conscientiousness is the personality trait of being thorough, careful, or vigilant. It implies a desire to do a task well. The National Library of Medicine adds another characteristic of conscientiousness: “The propensity to be able to delay gratification and to follow norms and rules.”
Take, for example, the Stanford Marshmallow experiment, conducted by psychologist Walter Mischel in the 1970s. Researchers told preschool-aged children they could have one marshmallow now or two if they waited for fifteen minutes. The children who chose to wait for a short period of time and earn two marshmallows were shown – decades later – to have higher SAT scores, to have less obesity and substance abuse problems, and to achieve more in their academic and professional careers than the preschoolers who took the one marshmallow and ate it immediately.
This delayed gratification is a key component of conscientiousness. So how can parents foster conscientiousness in their children? Here are six ways to teach conscientiousness to children to increase their likelihood of success in life.
Enroll Your Children in a School That Prioritizes Character over Performance
When you tour a school for your children, look for ways conscientiousness is encouraged.
At Christ the Savior Academy, students strive for excellence. Yet, instead of feeling a constant comparison to their classmates, the students are pointed to the saints of the historic church as someone to copy.
The literature that the school has chosen for each grade is targeted specifically for the purpose of developing the character of the students. The traits that the school wishes its students to develop are literally written on each and every one of the students’ hearts. As the students walk down the halls at CSA, there’s a familiar ring. It is common for the teachers to call out to the students – “What is diligence?” The students respond synonymously, “Working hard all the way to the end.” “Responsible is….” the teacher asks. “Taking good care of what I have been asked to do,” the teacher nods. Then she asks, “What is self-control?” “Doing something even when I don’t feel like it.”
The school works hand in hand with the parents to develop and nurture the character of students. Each grading period, the students are evaluated by their teachers not just on their math or English skills, but on their character – how they treat others, their diligence, and their integrity.
But the school alone cannot develop your child’s conscientiousness alone. It is something that must be a focus at home, also. The school, the home, and the church must all reinforce this virtue in the child. This is a crucial aspect of raising successful kids.
Teach Conscientiousness Through Making Their Bed
It may seem simple – but conscientiousness is about doing the small things well first – so teach your child to make her bed the right way every day.
So important is this little task, that Former Navy Seal, Admiral William H. McRaven, in his commencement speech to the University of Texas graduates in 2014, made “making your bed” one of the top things graduates should do to have the biggest impact on their lives long term. As a Navy Seal who routinely fought terrorists, jumped out of airplanes, and swam to the depths of the ocean, Admiral McRaven started every dangerous day the same way – by making his bed.
“It [making my bed] was the first task of my day, and doing it right was important. It demonstrated my discipline, my attention to detail, and at the end of the day, it was a reminder that I had done something well, something to be proud of, no matter how small the task.”
“Freedom from Fear” by Norman Rockwell (1943)
Chores Teach Conscientiousness
Once your children manage the small task of making their bed, assign them larger chores. Teach your child that being a member of the household means contributing to that household’s workload. This will, in turn, make them feel like a valuable member of the family.
Dr. Daniel Amen, author of Raising Mentally Strong Kids points to a study of 454 children in Boston who were followed for 70 years. The researchers found those who worked as children became competent adults.
Part of raising successful kids means evaluating the task after your child completes it. How did they do? Look over the chore and make sure it was completed with excellence. This teaches them to be attentive to detail, a key component to conscientiousness.
Not Rescuing Your Child is Key to Their Success
While you assign your child chores, resist the urge to rescue your child. I learned this the hard way with my middle child. Everyday, I would place his lunch box by the back door. Every morning, he would literally step over his lunch box and forget to bring it to school. I soon realized that I wasn’t helping my son by bringing him his forgotten lunch. So one day, I didn’t. My son was pretty hungry when he got home. He never forgot his lunch again.Teaching our children to be responsible means letting them deal with the real-life consequences of their actions.
Delayed Gratification is Key To Conscientiousness
Another principle that is fundamental to raising successful kids is making your child wait. Even if you can provide it right now. (This sometimes takes delayed gratification on the parent’s part. Dealing with the screaming or begging is much harder when you say, “no.” As parents, we must learn to deal with our children with the perspective of who we want them to become and that means taking a more difficult path in the moment.)
Teaching your child conscientiousness means making your child wait. Next time you are standing in line at the store and your child begs you for the trinket toy displayed along the aisle, tell them you will allow them to do chores at home to earn the trinket they so desperately want. The key? Don’t buy it on the spot. Let them go home and do chores to earn the money. Then let them come back to the store to buy the toy themselves. They will walk away with a sense of accomplishment and will treasure the toy way more if they had to work hard to earn it. If in the process of earning the money they forget about the toy, then they really didn’t want the toy in the first place.
Choose Read-A-Loud Books With Characters that Emulate Conscientiousness
Children learn by stories, so when you pick their bedtime book, choose literature with characters that emulate the qualities you want to develop in your child.
One of my favorite books to read with my children was Pinocchio. While most people think the story encourages children to tell the truth, it offers so many more lessons. Pinocchio’s loving father – his puppet maker – just wants his “son” to go to school and work hard. Yet, time and time again, Pinocchio takes the path towards short-term gratification. He just wants to have fun and chase immediate pleasures. This path leads, ultimately, to his near destruction. Just like our father in heaven, Gepetto, welcomes him home, forgives him, and offers him another chance.
It is not until Pinocchio eschews his passions in favor of hard work, diligence, and, yes, delayed gratification, that he becomes a real boy. In short, the story is the essence of conscientiousness.
As you read the story, talk to your child about why Pinocchio followed a dangerous path towards destruction. Explain how each and every one of us has the same struggles as Pinocchio. When you correct your child during the day, remind him of Pinocchio. Tell her to choose the way that will lead to long-term success and satisfaction.
“Here Is the Coach! Shouted Candlewick” by Alice Carsey (2005)
A Final Note For Christian Parents on Raising Successful Children
As Christians, we have a different definition of success than the world offers. This requires us to ask our Father in heaven to help us see our children as He sees them – not better, and, certainly, not worse.
David was nothing special in the eyes of the world, or even in the eyes of his own father. He was a simple shepherd with a lyre. Yet, he sought to please God, even in the insignificant task of watching his father’s sheep.
God opened Samuel the prophet’s eyes to see David’s potential – a lion fighter, a Goliath killer, a great king, and, most importantly, the bloodline of our Savior. He didn’t start out as anything special. He was just faithful in the small, mundane tasks he was given.
Our children may not become kings. Still, by teaching them to be faithful in the small tasks, they can become all God has created them to be. Someday the King of the Universe will say to them, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” That is God’s definition of success. Ultimately, raising successful kids means raising faithful servants.
You may also enjoy…
